My awesome friend always bakes fancy things. Today was Apple Pie Pops. That’s right people, Apple Pie on a stick. They were delicious and portable. Best idea ever, I say. I’m now trying to convince her to do other various pies on sticks. I’m hoping for pumpkin!!
A friend of mine encouraged me to share with all of you, my weird food habits and quirks. Of these, there are many. Some of them have developed since I was a small child, some have changed over the years and some are just weird.
Today we start with eating one item of food at a time. I don’t mean just grabbing one thing to eat, I’m talking about when you have a variety of food on your plate. I will eat one item until it is finished. Then I will select the next item and consume it in its entirety, before doing the same thing with the next until I have consumed the last one.
I don’t know when this started, but it’s been a long time and I don’t remember when I didn’t do it. I noticed it with Chinese food first, always eating the veggies first, then the chicken and finally, the delicious noodles.
I thought it was just the Chinese food, but then I noticed that when I eat McDonalds, I have to have the fries first and then the burger. I tried to mix it up once and it felt all wrong and I couldn’t do it. Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner is the same. A plate full of different items, all of them eaten one at a time, saving the stuffing for last.
There are many possible explanations for this. It could be that I don’t like to mix textures of food. However, this doesn’t account for the fact that I love stew and it has many different items in it, though I do notice that I will only eat one item on the spoon at a time. It could be that I don’t want to keep screwing up the flavours I have in my mouth. If I eat one thing at a time, I can enjoy it before I move on to the next. The most likely reason, however, is that I tend to eat my least liked food item first and finish with my favourite. I usually consume any vegetables before I move onto the meat portion and end with the potato/starch item (this does get switched around depending on the specific items…bacon is consumed last). If fried mushrooms are accompanying the meal, they are the final item consumed because they’re just so damn yummy.
This may seem weird to all of you, but I will say, this is just the beginning. As with my food, I have started with the least weird and will finish with the ultimate bizarre food quirk that I have…olives.
So Friday night, I did a post about my nervousness in regard to my ability to actually cook a full Thanksgiving dinner for myself, the boyfriend, and our friend Shawn on Saturday. Usually, I have things a little easier because of the pre-stuffed Butterball turkey I love to get, but the store was sold out and I had to get a fresh turkey that would require stuffing my yours truly. At first, I decided that I wouldn’t stuff it and just cook a bunch of boxes of stove top because I didn’t want to have to bother to cut up the bread into tiny square, season it and then spend my time shoving it into the nether end of a turkey. However, I read the Stovetop box and discovered that you can stuff a turkey with it, which made things a little easier. So the decision was made to actually attempt stuffing the turkey. What follows is a timeline of the journey I embarked upon to get dinner ready.
10:30 – I got up around this time and spent a while playing some World of Warcraft and watching a few episodes of Invader Zim on Netflix as I didn’t actually have to start the turkey cooking until about 1:00 for it to be done around 5:00. I also did the dishes (two whole loads by hand as we have no dishwasher) and ate some Lucky Charms, breakfast of champions…screw Wheaties.
12:30 – Started cooking the 4 boxes of turkey flavoured Stovetop to then be inserted into the nether regions of the turkey. I certainly hope these poor creatures aren’t aware of what we do to them after the axe falls.
12:50 – The stuffing was cool enough to insert into the disgusting, raw, squidgy turkey. I opened the turkey and found the giblets bag (eeeww….straight into the garbage) and a long, meaty, tube-like object which confused the hell out of me and the boyfriend and I pondered whether or not it was the turkey’s fun bits but after talking to my mother about other turkey related questions, she informed me it was actually the neck. This joined the giblets in the garbage and I found myself wondering why the turkey packaging people would bother to remove the neck of the bird and then shove it in the other end for me to find and be confused about. Anyway, I stuffed the bird using a kitchen ladle so my hand did not have to enter the actual turkey (we all remember how well this worked out for Mr. Bean, and packed it all in there nicely, rubbing oil onto the skin of the turkey (let me tell you, massaging olive oil into a raw turkey is revolting) and put it in the pan with water in the bottom, covering the whole thing with tinfoil and placing it into the oven at 1:02
2:18 – So, remembering to baste the turkey every half an hour is going to be a pain in the ass. I don’t remember things like that, I’m too distracted by playing WoW and watching Invader Zim with the boyfriend….sigh…I have missed one basting so far, but I have managed to rewash all the dishes I used in preparing the bird for oven insertion.
2:40 – The turkey has basted for a second time and is starting to brown nicely. Also, things aren’t burning, so that’s always good. I now have to wash the pot I cooked the stove top in because I need it for potatoes. I’m going to hate this more than the raw turkey massage…peeling potatoes is my most hated cooking chore.
3:15 – We had a slight (and disgusting) disaster with the potato preparation. Don’t worry, the potatoes themselves are fine, in case you were panicking about that. However, there was a major detour on the road to having them peeled, cut and in a pot of water for future boiling. I pulled out the under the sink garbage to peel them into and discovered a multitude of dead larva from some kind of bug stuck all over the underside of the garbage pail lid and in the garbage as well (eeew…this was not a pleasant find). This required a clean up and sanitation before I could proceed with the potato preparation.
4:17 – The turkey has been basted once more, the squash is in the oven with butter and brown sugar slowly seeping into it and making it deliciously sweet, and the potatoes are now on to boil…I have no idea if the timing is right on all these foods, but we shall certainly find out later when they all start to be finished. Potentially, we will have to microwave some of the food while the others are finishing. This is not an uncommon occurrence in the kitchen when I am cooking more than one thing at a time. The boyfriend is used to it by now.
4:50 – I’m freaking hungry and this turkey smells good. The lucky charms and coffee I consumed so far today are doing nothing to keep me from wanting to tear into all the food right now and leave the others to fend for themselves.
5:02 – Problem, I went to check on things and discovered that when last I took the squash out to baste the sides with the butter/brown sugar mix, I forgot to put it back into the oven. Let’s hope this doesn’t ruin the squash because I’m looking forward to it.
5:55 – The turkey is now finished, the little meat thermometer tells me it won’t kill us to eat it and I have removed the roasting pan from the oven. However, we have run into a small problem. The little metal rack that keeps the turkey from cooking to the bottom of the pan has handles that I’m suppose to leave up along the sides of the pan for easy turkey removal. I did not do this. They are folded nicely under the turkey with the rest of the rack and I have no means of removing the turkey from the pan to get the juices to make the gravy.
5:59 – Solution to the problem – I got BBQ tongs from the drawer, pulled the legs and wings off the turkey and put them on the platter before I used a giant spoon to remove the stuffing and put it in a pot. I then just used the tongs, inserted them into the gaping turkey cavity and lifted the dismembered bird from the pan, allowing me to make the gravy.
6:10 – The boyfriend pointed out that I had forgotten to make the Pillsbury Crescent Rolls. He kindly volunteered to do that for me when I went into a panic and started running around the kitchen screaming about too many food components for three people.
6:20 – Everything is finished, and we are able to finally sit down and eat our lovely Thanksgiving dinner. I’m happy to announce that nothing was burned, no one was poisoned and there will be enough leftovers to feed us for a freaking week because this was way too much food for three people.
A friend of mine has a blog where she always posts about these awesome and creative home projects she’s working on or has finished. They’re always really neat and things that would never occur to me or I would never be motivated enough to bother with for my own home. (see her blog here). I’ve always been a little jealous that I couldn’t figure out how to cook food that looked halfway decent or do nifty projects but I have recently realized that it’s just who I am and I shouldn’t sweat it. I manage to feed myself and the boyfriend and sometimes the cat (don’t worry, the boyfriend always remembers to feed the cat, he is certainly not starving).
So because of my acceptance of my domestic non-success, I have decided instead to post about my two recent epic fails in cooking/baking. They have been appropriately named by the boyfriend and I, as The Doom Cake and Pizzappocalypse.
The Doom Cake
The Doom Cake was an accidental work of art. I found some cake mix on sale and decided that we hadn’t had cake in a while, so I picked it up along with some icing. A few days later, I went to make said cake and discovered that for some reason, we no longer have the normal sized cake pan in the cupboard. Don’t ask me where this went, things disappear around this place all the time and either show up randomly down the road or are never seen again. So I rooted around in the cupboards and found two identical, heart-shaped little cake pans and decided to make a layer cake with them. All went perfectly well with the mixing of the cake and the pouring of the batter into the pans and the subsequent baking of said cake in the oven.
I waited the instructed amount of time, puttering around and surfing the net until the cake was done. I did the toothpick test thingy my mother taught me (see Mom, sometimes I listened when you were trying to teach me cooking things!) and took them out of the oven to cool. This is where everything went slightly (alright, way more than slightly) askew.
We think the problem occurred when I didn’t let the cake cool enough when taking it out of the pan. I fully recommend always waiting until you know for sure a cake is cool enough to remove from the pan. Otherwise, this could happen to you:
Yes, as soon as I placed the second layer on top of the first, everything started to collapse in on itself in and implosion of cakey doom and deliciousness. I tried to repair it with icing patches as best I could, but the icing started to melt as well and everything just sort of went downhill from there. The fact that I was laughing so hard while doing this that tears were running down my face did not help matters any either. So this was my attempt at a layer cake and I will probably never attempt it again. We did eat it, however, and it still tasted like delicious cake, so it’s not all that bad.
Recently, we took a bunch of our dishes out to storage because we wanted to minimize the amount available to us in an effort to force us to wash the dishes more. We don’t have a dishwasher and the boyfriend and I both hate washing dishes, so they tend to pile up. The theory is that if there are less dishes to pile up, we will have to wash them more often. The unfortunate thing about this plan was the one and only pizza pan we have got packed up with all the rest of the stuff.
One night, I decided to make a frozen pizza in the oven and after searching in vain for the pizza pan (round metal thing with holes in it) I gave up and decided that putting the pizza directly on the oven rack would work just fine as I was pretty sure I’d done that before and nothing bad had happened. This, my friends, was the start of something very odd indeed. I was unaware that pizza could melt, not unlike plastic. Well, guess what? It certainly can. Below is an artist’s rendering of the event:
This presented a problem as the melted pizza was contained withing a very hot oven and I couldn’t exactly use a flat spatula to remove it from the rack since it was at varying levels of height. Eventually we decided that metal salad tongs would be the best way to go about it and we extracted the pizza a piece at a time in chunks. We put it all on a plate and what should have been my lovely, round, bacon and onion pizza ended up looking like this:
I will admit, the pizza still tasted phenomenal, it was just very weird to eat it in mangled pieces. I’m definitely digging out the pizza pan before I cook another one though, it was just too complicated to extract this mess without burning myself or setting something on fire inside the oven.